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"Don't touch those!" the father commands
as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A
few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his
host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you
not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds
later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the
dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with
the host.
It happens all the time. Children are given
orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his
conversation and forgets.
What should parents do in this situation? Some
parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should
punish him, and others that he is "just a child," and we
should not expect too much from him.
As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to
bring up our children in the best manner---to teach them right from
wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.
Those who give opinions on this matter usually
use the Quran or hadith to support their positions, and it may be
difficult to establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However,
as parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and
discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid
method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we
should not just "figure it out as we go" --- one time using
this method and another time that one.
The following principles should be useful in
establishing a childrearing method which is not too extreme.
Start Early
Although many parents believe that very small
children are too young to understand, their early years are probably
the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right
direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to
maintain. Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to
change.
Have your Emotions
Under Control while Instructing Childern
Don't discipline your child because you are angry
with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is
important here. As a Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your
child.
Parents should Present a United
Front
Parents should discuss their strategy for training
and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team.
If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy,
they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent
stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for
permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If
parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should
discuss it privately, not in front of the children.
Be Consistent
Most experts on children agree that parents should
be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will
only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls
today, and you allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not
understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If
you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to
see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however,
he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he
will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something.
Although consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents
cannot change their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules,
however, you must inform your child in advance so that he will know
what to expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many
parents' inability to control their children.
Never Lie to your Childern
If you lie to them "every now and then,"
they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also
applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing
something, or you will put him in his room, spank him, or take away
his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it.
Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are
serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again
and again to see.
Don't Reward Crying
If children realize that everytime they cry, they
get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Everytime
they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach
them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for
things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the
beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the
lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were
firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest
of your life. It's your choice.
Teach Your Child
to Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong
This is important so that he will learn what is
expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something
wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any
people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in
developing his conscience.
Accept Child's Apology
Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes
and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When
we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be
excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your
child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the
forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you
love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let
him understand that no bad feelings remain.
Apologize For Your Mistakes
Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when
you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense
of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.
Teach Islam From an Early Age
Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the
Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in
them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for
their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray. A person
wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr,
and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock
star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our
children with good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they
will, InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.
Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't
embrace Islam until I was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the
Biblical stories of Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace
be upon them all). Although the Biblical stories were not in their
pure form, they still inculcated in me a love and respect for the way
of the Prophets. Although I fell into many of the temptations of
youth, Alhamdulillah, I always felt something within me holding me
back from going too far. While many of my friends went headlong into a
highly destructive way of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and
affection for, the Prophets helped me to return to a better path.
Instruct in Good Morals
Teach your child good morals and good manners. An
excellent book for this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and
Practice, by B. Aisha Lemu.
Dicipline Your Child
Discipline should not become the domain of one
parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the
disciplining of their children. Although mothers often threaten their
children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their
father gets home, this method is not very useful for three reasons.
First, discipline should be carried out immediately after the
disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience
with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have
forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not
justified in disciplining him. Second, sometimes the child must be
stopped immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets
home. The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands
as well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for
disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad
guy" in the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both
parents agree on their methods of disciplining him. Although the
degree to which various parents use them will vary, the following five
methods might be used for disciplining your children.
(1) Putting your child in the bedroom. When the
child is disobeying, he should first be warned that you are going to
put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey,
take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For
smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them;
for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling,
don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they
need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show
your happiness and quick acceptance.
For those children who whine and cry for
everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the
bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine
and cry in the living room where they will disturb others. Once
children learn that when they whine and cry, they will be sent to the
bedroom, the whining and crying should decrease dramatically. Although
it may take a long time for some children to stop crying and
apologize, the parent must not give in. The child should feel that
everytime he persists in disobedience, he will be the loser. This
method, if done correctly and consistently, should dramatically affect
your child.
(2) Showing your disappointment. If you have
established a good relationship with your child, your disappointment
with him will have a great impact on him. If he does something you
don't like, and you tell him you are angry with him and show him that
you are not going to play and joke with him because of his actions, he
will probably feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when
several family members show disappointment with the child's actions.
(3) Withholding privileges. Not letting the
child go out to play, ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for
example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.
(4) Giving rewards. These could be compliments,
sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes. When your child
is rewarded for doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some
time, his habit will be to do good. Two words of caution, however.
First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your
child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream."
Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation
for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child.
You should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm
going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful
that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace
where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does. As
the child gets older, he will not need to be given material rewards as
often, although you should continue to let him know that you
appreciate his good behavior. You should, however, teach him that even
though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good
actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).
(5) Spanking. This is the most controversial
aspect of discipline. Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank
children because it teaches them that violence is the answer or that
"might makes right." Others go too far in the other
direction and believe that unbridled beating of their children is
okay. Some parents slap their children in the face, beat them on the
hand, or twist their ears. These methods should, however, be avoided.
Slapping in the face humiliates the child, and beating on the hand or
twisting the ear could cause permanent physical damage to the child.
Of course, it should also be clear that such things as burning or
starving children, making them drink hot sauce, or other such harsh
punishments should never be used. I personally use only two physical
methods for disciplining my children: light slaps on the hand when the
child is using his hands to do something wrong and spanking the child
on his buttocks in a way that is not permanently harmful but that only
causes some stinging. If the other methods of discipline are used
wisely, a parent should rarely have to resort to physical discipline
at all. However, sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and
justice and in the best interest of the child, it should not be
considered as violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be
held accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments
they face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from
wrong now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help
them avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in
The Family Structure in Islam: ". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents
to demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily
prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the practice
by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical means ---
without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to show
disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)
If parents follow these principles consistently,
they should see a dramatic improvement in their children in a short
time. If, however, the children have been allowed to run the house for
a long time, and the parents have given up their authority, it will
take longer for the children to get used to the new rules. Although
the various methods of discipline are important and will help you to
control your children and force them to do what you say, you will not
always be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties
and consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you
discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and
their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and
manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the
Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good even
when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and a
concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or alone
is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned techniques are
merely means to achieve this end.
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